I’ve just come down from the Liaison Office Christmas party and I can tell you comrades, it has been a banging night up there. Banging with a revolutionary fervour as we bid farewell to the great anniversary year of 2017 and celebrate the great victories of Chinese Socialist Thought.
But dark rumours disturb me, Comrades. Rumours of division, of disunity and even splittism. So as the final revellers stagger out from the Liaison Office Penthouse Ballroom, I wobble back to my desk to make one final proclamation for the year.
And my message you to all, from all of us here in The Liaison Office of the Central People’s Government in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region is, may you all have a very merry Christmas.
A Golden time for us all
As every patriot knows, Christmas is one of three core celebrations in every Communist Cadre’s calendar, along with Lunar New Year and National Day. We used to have another on May 1, but I can’t remember what that one was about.
Every year at the Liaison office, we celebrate Christmas by hanging revolutionary bunting and decorating the building with a people’s proletarian plum pudding. And just as Mao once diligently wrapped his gifts in the caves of Yan’an, so we too exchange gifts of joy and glad tidings to mark this festive occasion.
The only difference is that Mao would wrap copies of his Little Red Book while in Sao Wan, we exchange copies of Xi Jinping’s The Governance of China. We get through a lot more wrapping paper than Mao did.
At the 19th Party Congress, our dear helmsman, Comrade Xi Jinping announced that the Celebration of Christmas with Chinese Characteristics must become a key policy of the Chinese constitution.
Dark rumours of splittist forces
But it appears some some disloyal elements within the party have been sowing discord among the masses and undermining Comrade Xi’s visionary Christmas message.
Ten days ago, Hunan Province Public Security Bureau announced a ban on Christmas festivities and artificial snow. The PSB claimed the move would “build confidence towards socialist culture and carry forward traditional Chinese culture” and instructed Party Members to “resist rampant Western festivals.”
On Sunday, the Anhui China Communist Youth League announced that “Christmas is China’s day of shame.”
The following day, the Communist Youth League of Shenyang Pharmaceutical University banned all activities related to Western religious holidays, and condemned young people for getting “blindly excited about western holidays,” especially Christmas. The Youth League claimed the ban would help young cadres to build cultural confidence and “resist the corrosion of Western religious culture”.
Unite the nation behind Xi Jinping’s Theory of Christmas with Chinese Characteristics!
Well on behalf of the Liaison Office Propaganda Department, I say “enough!”. These seditious and reactionary elements are deliberately spreading confusion among the masses to undermine unity and derail the successful achievement of Xi Jinping’s Chinese Dream.
Since when did Christmas have anything to do with religion anyway? It’s true that in many decadent Western nations, the Christmas message has been distorted by the insidious feudal superstition, but here in China, we resist such spiritual pollution with unity and courage! Never shall the true spirit of Christmas be diverted by corrupt foreign influences.
Christmas lies at the very heart of the Chinese Dream. Thanks to our brave Wumao Army and powerful Skynet surveillance system, Comrade Xi knows every little girl and boy, and exactly how naughty or nice they have been. And on this day, the nation must unite behind our dear Santa with Chinese Characteristics, resist all splittist Scrooges and be grateful for all the gifts that he bestows upon us. One Belt, One Road, One Santa, One Christmas.