Welcome to the new home of the Communist Party of Hong Kong. The glorious emblem of the Communist Party of the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China can now solemnly rise over cyberspace.
As we finally expose our members to the masses, the global proletariat shall jubilantly celebrate our divine digital sovereignty in accordance with the One Country Two Systems principle.
This moment is sacred for the Chinese nation and a victory for the universal cause of socialism with Chinese characteristics. Assuredly, this day shall be recorded in the annals of history as one that merits eternal memory for all time, all history and until the end of the universe itself.
Now, we’re coming out. Out of our closets, out on the streets
Some comrades have asked why, after so many decades of underground struggle, we chose this moment to come out of the closet.
Well, it’s like this. After half a century of struggle, we stand at a crossroads between two momentous years. In 2016 we marked the 50th anniversary of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution and the 40th anniversary of the passing of our beloved chairman Mao Zedong. Neither turned out to be an entirely good idea, but it’s the thought that counts.
Our finest achievement of the year was undoubtedly our localisation campaign. After much encouragement, the flowers planted by our United Front comrades finally bloomed into a small but vocal independence movement, and we promptly stepped in to cut them down with great vigour.
It’s always satisfying to watch a cunning plan work, and after years of moaning about colonial flags, foreign forces and secessionists, it has been heartwarming finally to see the results. If anything, it’s been too successful.
We couldn’t have whipped up the localists so effectively without a compliant media and legal system, and that’s been another terrific accomplishment. It took a while for the old colonial judges to retire, but now the courts are finally behaving themselves, I must admit, I’m quite excited at the fun we can have. Article 23? Shut down subversive publications and deport foreign forces? We’d no longer have to sneak around following legislators or smuggle booksellers to black jails. Hell, we maybe we could even arrest people who publish satirical websites.
Trouble is, now we’ve got the idea to take root, the damn localists keep on spouting up like weeds. We may need to apply poison to the beds to get rid of them. If that doesn’t work, we could always just burn the whole garden and replant it. It worked in Tibet.
2017 shall be a year of incomparable brightness and splendour
We have much to look forward to in the year ahead. In March, the party faithful shall exercise the democratic wishes of Hong Kong by following instructions and appointing the replacement for Comrade Lufsig, who’ll be taking a well-earned rest. As the most unpopular leader in Hong Kong history (and that includes the Japanese occupation), he’s going to be a hard act to follow.
In keeping with the tradition established by disgraced former comrade Bowtie, he’ll presumably go into hiding until his case goes to court.
So who should be the next Wolf of Wanchai? We have some fine candidates.
My personal favourite’s comrade Jasper. He’s been a loyal party member since his riotous youth, but talk around the office is that he’s mellowed a little too much with age. He’s got too popular with the wrong crowd, pally with pan-dems, sympathising with students, and backpacking with that lunatic Long Hair. And did you see his Christmas song?
The boss appears to favour Comrade Broomhead. He values discipline, and she certainly has that going for her. She supported Article 23, thinks Hitler was a democrat and she’s always happy to relay whatever crackpot conspiracy theory we feed her. But the problem is, nobody likes her: Liberals, democrats, students, journalists, gweilos, Taiwanese, South Asians, Filipinos, she’s upset them all. Even I don’t like her and we’re on the same side.
He might just have to compromise and pick the iron lady, ‘comrade Good Fighter’, as she likes to style herself, who’s been protesting for years that all she wants is a quiet retirement. She’s like the drunken uncle at karaoke who insists he doesn’t want to sing, but then hogs the mic all night as soon as his song comes on.
Not forgetting the motley crew of unlikely outsiders. Former financial secretary, Mr Pringles is a little too bourgeoisie for my liking. All that blogging from Starbucks and his Franco-cinephilia, I don’t like it. And the boss doesn’t trust his moustache either. Says it’s not patriotic.
And last but not least, we have Justice Woo, who thinks the best way to win friends in Beijing is to condemn Tiananmen and praise Occupy Central. Is this really the best Hong Kong can manage? It’s all very well campaigning for ‘ABC: Anything But CY’, but it would have been helpful if someone had a workable alternative. How does ABC: Angela Baby for CE sound?
Sadly, the way things are going, it looks like the boss may be out of a job before Chinese New Year, so for all I know, he might be the next CE.
Twenty years of struggle
Once we’ve got all that nonsense out of the way, we can get back to the serious business of the year: Getting the masses out in matching polo shirts to wave little flags and demonstrate their love of the motherland.
This year we shall celebrate two great moments in history: First, there’s the 50th anniversary of the Anti-Hong Kong British Persecution Struggle (which, with hindsight, maybe wasn’t such a great idea). And then on a more glorious note, in July 2017 we get to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the return of Hong Kong to the loving and eternal embrace of the motherland.
Now that’s one event we can all agree on.